The Beat of His Heart

Sitting here, sipping coffee in a hippy little coffee shop in Fort Worth, Texas, I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that just over a week ago, I was in Africa. I cannot put this feeling into words, except to say that it is surreal. Classes have begun, life has recommenced, and I am left in Africa's wake, dreaming of the hot sun on my shoulders, dirt on my face, and the sweaty little fingers of a hundred orphans in my hands. Real life doesn't feel real anymore. It's just what I do in the meantime.

I know I spoke before of a more comprehensive breakdown of my trip, but honestly in the last week I have talked so much about the logistics of where I went, what I did, and what I learned, I really just want to talk about who it's made me become. I hope, for those of you following me, that this is alright with you. My heart, I feel, is literally exploding at the seams, and I think to contain it any longer would be unwise. So, I offer, unfiltered, my thoughts and passions entering this new year. 

Some recurring mottos of mine this past week in talking to people about what God has been doing in my life are: "God is awesome. He brings things full circle. Soli deo gloria. To Him alone be the glory." I think to express my heart, I will simply follow the outline of these mantras. 

God is awesome. As redundant as this sentence sounds, please bear with me as I expound upon this fundamental truth. Our God is awesome. Let me define awesome for you. Awesome is not the cool tricks my brother can do with a yoyo. It is not the feeling I get when I drive 100 miles an hour on the country roads at home. Its not any person I can think of, any achievement I could name, or anything I could imagine in and of myself. When I typed "awesome" into my web browser, this is what google came up with: "1. extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear. 2. extremely good; excellent." The only entity I can think of that fits those qualifications is my God.

I can't even begin to describe how my heart leaps in my chest, when I think of those qualities of God that pull my heart to praise Him with such a weighty word. He is more than impressive. He is daunting. He does inspire my admiration, apprehension, and fear. He is extremely holy, eternally good, and incomparably excellent. "Our God is an awesome God; He reigns from heaven above, with wisdom, power, and love. Our God is an awesome God."

God brings things full circle. I know everyone has heard the phrase at some point, "God works all things for the good of those that love Him." I think, however, that a lot of times when we say that, we don't actually believe it. Or if we do, we don't really think that the good that will come will be even better than the good that we can imagine. Not true. Our God, who turned the worst of sinners and Christian persecutors, Saul, into arguably one of the most profound apostles in the new testament, Paul, is the same God working in our lives today. He still sanctifies, He still opens blind eyes, He still moves mountains. I have seen His glory, and humbled lie on my face before Him, begging Him to spare me, for I am an unclean sinner.

God brings all things full circle. I think some of you who have heard my testimony will know what story I am referring to when I expound upon this, but not a single day goes by that I am not caught breathless at the mercy and grace my Savior has shown me in the last two years. God brings all things full circle. He does not leave His story with loose ends. (And if He does, chances are, the story is not yet over.) He works all things for the good of those who love Him. 

Such is the story of two girls whose friendship turned sour after sin and idols crept in, where before their God was the glue that brought them together. God works all things for good, even when, heartbroken and torn apart, these girls thought their sin was too great, their friendship irreparable, their testimony, tarnished for life. In May of 2010, I said goodbye to the closest friend that I had ever known. I hoped and prayed that God could restore what our sin-blackened hearts had destroyed, but like Abraham, God asked me to lay my friend upon his altar and let go. Like Moses, I had to place her friendship in a basket and turn her lose to God upon the Nile. I never thought I'd see my friend again. 

Two years later, I look back and see that pain, the endless silence that He held between us, and know exactly why it was necessary for our further sanctification in Him. I never thought He could bring good out of something so terribly bad. But, I'm glad to say I was mistaken. Not only has God restored my heart, torn down the wall of silence, and restored our friendship a thousandfold. He has taught me immeasurable humility, grace, patience, and trust in the process. Without this trial, I cannot say that I would be the person that I am today. It feels strange to say, but I would not change any of that heartache, because I can see through it that I have grown. In faith, in hope, and in love. But mostly love. 

So you are wondering I am sure, at this point, what any of this has to do with Africa. Soli Deo gloria. To God alone be the glory, my last point. I have realized, through my work in Africa, my life here on campus at TCU, my involvement with CRU and my church, going on a Summer Project in Ocean City, going to Joplin, going to Belize, and reading the Word that none of these things in and of themselves has brought me any closer to Christ. They have not sanctified me. They have shaped me, they have molded me, but they have not made me any more righteous.

That is the fingerprint of God in my life.

Reveling in the work of Christ in my life has made me who I am. Allowing him to use the people, the places, and the experiences I've had in the last (eventful!) year, has made me who I am. And that is something I would not change for the world. He could have done all of these things here, at home, but He didn't. He opened my eyes literally and spiritually, to the work of His kingdom. He awakened my soul to the beat of His heart. And let me tell you, it is a glorious beat, an exhilarating beat, a crazy life-changing beat. And the best part is is that the song is not yet over.

I hope, forevermore, to dance to this beat. Be it in Belize, Maryland, Africa, Oman, or a quiet little hippy coffee shop in Fort Worth, Texas. I want my soul to sing His praise, exude His glory, and point the world to do the same. It's a divine dance. I would ask you to join me, if you dare. I cannot say it will always be easy. It will not always be fun, but it will be worth it; I can promise you that!

Soli Deo gloria.

Will you dance?

Soul Poetry

Oh, that my soul would seek You more,
In longing passion, grace implore.
Oh, that my heart would cherish Thee
Above all else, my eyes would see
The glory of your righteous worth.
Exchange my death for your rebirth.
My soul, encumbered, dead to sin,
Not of my works does yours begin;
To turn a hardened heart to praise
And in that work, a dead man raise.
Oh, that my cry would ever be
Not of myself, but all to Thee:
My God, my God, consume my soul.
Break me, fill me, make me whole.
Turn my heart alone to you;
In spirit worship all that's true,
In goodness seek your glory's plan
Upon eternal heaven's span.
Too oft I look upon the scale
Of earthly treasures, men that fail,
Forgetting that in all I need
You sent your Son for me to bleed.
Upon a cross for mercy's sake
Your justice hung upon that stake.
And yet, in wisdom joy was found
When death was forfeit from the ground.
You rose triumphant from the grave
And to your glory, men did save.
Oh, Maker of my life and breath,
Sanctify me in this death!
That in your sacrifice for me,
I would not my own worth see.
But rather unto myself die
And make your glory my sole cry.
Praise Him, praise Him, heart of stone!
Spirit, wake to Him alone!
Oh, God, I beg you, make me thine
And through my life, let your Light shine!

The Toothpaste Gospel

I see tiny dirty fingers grabbing at my skirt. Little voices raised angrily as the children around me push and shove their way to the front of the line. "Me, me!" they shout and reach for the flimsy little toothbrushes I am handing out. Toothbrushes. There is toothpaste further down the line, which I later see the kids squirting into their mouths like candy. Something in my heart doesn't feel right as I give them these things after so little time getting to know them. They want what I can give them so badly, and overlook the simplest and best thing I have to offer: love.

On the bus ride home, my heart is torn between anger and frustration as I think about their little grabby hands. I wonder how they could be so greedy that they cared more about the gifts than the giver. We came in planning to do crafts with them, love them, tell them about Jesus, and hold them in our arms. We wanted to show them the reason we love, because He first loved us.

Instead we ended up watching them perform for us for over an hour before being asked by the pastor to hand out the goodies we had come bearing. Chaos ensued and I wondered just how effective our materialism gospel really was. The kids got their toothbrushes, which would last them a couple of months at best. They got their toothpaste, which was lucky to even make it home for its proper use. But what else did they go home with? A better picture of the philanthropic mindset that white people with nice clothes have lots of money and like to give things away?

Maybe. I hope and pray they saw a small glimpse of the love and light we tried so desperately to reflect, but with only a few hours of organized chaos, I couldn't help but wonder on the bus ride home: is this stop and drop gospel really even the gospel at all?

Don't get me wrong- this trip has been one of the best experiences of my life so far. I can give you twice as many awesome stories about how God is using this trip exponentially to grow my spiritual worldview and do amazing works in these orphans lives as well, but I think every now and then a little team analysis is healthy and necessary.

Sitting on the bus, trying not to be sour about how unsuccessful I had labeled the day in my brain, God tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to look at the situation from His eyes.

"I see tiny dirty fingers grabbing at my throne. Little voices raised angrily in prayer, pushing and shoving and complaining as they scream, "Me, me, me!" They grab and reach for the temporal blessings I can give. They ask for prosperity and good health and then turn around and squander their blessings on idols. Something in my heart doesn't feel right giving them these things, knowing that they barely even know me. They want what I can give them so badly, and overlook the simplest and best thing I have to offer: my love."

Looking in the mirror of my Savior's broken heart, I can't help but become convicted. I am just like those children. I want the gifts and not the love of the giver. I am so consumed with what I think God's best for me should be, that I forget that He is standing right in front of me waiting for me to crawl into his lap and let Him love me. I forget to let Him show me what His best really is. I break His heart swallowing the toothpaste He gives me and grab with grubby fingers at the temporal blessings in this life that pass away.

God, thank you for convicting me of the ways I fall short of your glorious plan. Help me always to seek You and your love above all else. Thank You for showing me my own weakness. Help me to desire You more and more and help me to find my joy in your love only. Amen.

"Even a child makes himself known by his acts, by whether his conduct is pure and upright." Proverbs 20:11

Blessings from Kenya

What a blessing it is to be sitting in Nairobi, Kenya typing my first blog entry of 2012. Who would have imagined a year ago as I welcomed in the new year that this opportunity would even be a possibility, much less a reality. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good and that's His nature. Wow. (as the kids from Fiwagoh orphanage have taught me to say.

A week into the trip, I can't even begin to tell you how humbled I am daily by the humility and love I have experienced while here. Every orphanage we have visited has left me wondering what exactly God brought me here to do. The kids love us so deeply and so wholly, I can't imagine my meager contributions here have any significance compared to how much they loved me. I couldn't help but cry as I thanked my little Kenyan friends for their hospitality this week as out team packed our bags to move to Uganda tonight. It was a bittersweet goodbye. I can't say it didn't leave my heart a little broken. I think I left a piece of it in the red African soil; we shall see what God can grow from it.

In my reading this week I came across a verse that really spoke to my heart right now.

"O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger. When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" Psalm 8:1-4

This Psalm reminds me of the beautiful sound of children's voices we heard raised in praise to our Lord when we attended worship at Fiwagoh. "Een theh sweeeht bye end bye,bye end bye, we shall meet en thaht beeyouteeful shore..." It brings a smile to my face, even sitting here remembering the sound of their precious voices, and I know God smiles in heaven every morning that He hears them begin their day praising Him.

The Psalm also talks about the heavens praising God. Let me tell you that the sunsets and sunrises here everyday praise God with glorious splendor. Waking early in the morning to shower before our long, tiresome days, I was tempted to complain about our cold, tiny shower, or the little amount of sleep I got, but all I had to do was look out the window of our tiny bunk house and I knew that these days were ordained by the Lord.

The trip is only halfway over and already I am so excited for the things God is teaching me. He truly is an awesome God, and I am so blessed to be experiencing the power of His love here in Africa. I pray daily that He will continue to open my eyes and my heart to the people He brings into my life here. Thank you all so much for your prayers an support. Keep me in your prayers still for the final week I am here and continue to ask God to show me more of Him.

Much love, and greetings from Kenya!

"If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me." Psalm 139:9-10

Bleeding Heart

I want to live with a bleeding heart. I know those words sound strange, but I think as my life unfolds I see more and more the richness of a life lived wide open. I don't want to live in the shadows of what could have been, the ghosts of what were. I want to live daily in the love, pain, and anticipation of what is to come. I want to live in the mess. I want to live in the heartache, because a bleeding heart is an alive heart. Love is alive and that is exactly where I want to be, right in the middle of love.

As I sit here, waiting in the Austin airport to get on a plane that will take me to Africa, I wonder how crazy I sound. I don't even know the people I am going to meet, and yet I am praying for the pain of loving them. That's why I'm going. And I don't think it's an unhealthy kind of desire. It's a desire to love more wholly than a closed up heart ever could. A wide open heart is a broken heart and in this broken world, I think to love you must be broken...

Because in the brokenness we are made whole in Christ. Broken love still hopes, but broken love still hurts. The day is not yet come when we will look, perfected, into the face of Christ and hear those coveted words- Well done. In the meantime, though, we must not give up. Live, love, and look forward to that day. Live with a bleeding heart, alive in Christ, hoping for the glory that is to come.

A motto of mine recently lately has been, "Open your spiritual eyes." it makes me think of the lyric from Hillsong that says, "Open our eyes to see the things that make Your heart cry..." that is what I mean to say here. I think too often I live blind, oblivious to the pain of others, apathetic to the eternal perspectives of this world, or even dully turning rote the relationship of heart binding fullness God invites me to plunge into. I trust too fully in my own goodness, my own law, my own self-control. I think a better prayer for my numb heart would be a loss of all abandon. I think a better connection would be made if I unplugged my computer and plugged my blind eyes into the bleeding heart of Christ. What a catastrophe that would be!

A catastrophe of soul. What does it take to live alive? When parents kill the dreams of hoping children? When children break the hearts of loving parents? When divorce splits love into a fractured mask of God's ordained masterpiece? When lies, deceit, mockery, bitterness, pain, and doubt fill the minds of people beaten down by the state of sin in which we live? When countries are at war, when families are torn, when friends betray, and people walk away? What then? What then?

Tell me... WHAT THEN?

What bridges this gap, this chasm that is far too wide? Scars run deep and blood is shed for what? Why bleed more?

Because I want to be like Him, because He bridged the gap. Not only the chasm that he crossed, but carried my lifeless body away from the grave. He did what I could not do; He covered the canyon I could not breach. And when He held out his hand to offer me the answer, I spat in His face. I nailed Him to a cross and I sentenced Him to death. I find it hard, therefore, in light of His persistence, to say no to the sole thing He asks for in return: my heart.

How could I not split open that which he sacrificed so freely for me, to show a broken world the road to redemption He carried me down.

Wide open eyes and a bleeding heart: that's all I ask. And the humility and courage to believe when the rest of the world turns its back.

Go. Be. Love.

Castles in the Sand

I was reading over some of my journal entries from this summer and found one that I really want to share with all of you. It really spoke to my heart right now, as I hope it does yours. It's funny how easily we forget the lessons that we learn, how easily we throw aside the pearls that God gives us, the trials that He puts us through, and cling instead to the ugly shells of who we once were.

God, clean me out, tear me down, and pour into me instead the fullness of who you are.

June 24, 2011:

"I've had the song by Addison Road stuck in my head lately, What Do I Know Of Holy? The line in the song that says, 'Where have I even stood, but the shore along your ocean?' always gets in my head when I look out over the vast expanse of ocean here at Ocean City. It's so huge- and scary and unknown. I can never see, feel, or understand the whole ocean and that's how big God is- but even more so.

I will never comprehend His love, His power, His glory. I will spend my whole life trying, but I will never measure up. I will never be an ocean. I won't even be a puddle or a drop in the sea. I will only ever be one tiny grain of sand. A speck of dust that falls between the fingers of a vast eternity. I am nothing except what God makes me. It's humbling. It makes me want to fall on my knees and weep.

How easy it is for us to magnify our sand castles, to think we are making something great out of ourselves, something worth God's mighty attention. We forget, until one of His waves comes crashing down around us and the tide erases whatever brief forged royalty we claimed to have, humbling us before the one True King. I built my house on sand and God washed it away.

What would my faith look like, how much more glory would I direct to the King of Kings if I lived with a remembrance of this daily? What if I daily, physically bowed myself before the Lord? What if I tore down my cheap sandy altars and threw away my pride and reputation to the tide of His waves of mercy? What is faith that I could call myself an heir to the King? I am wretched. I am unworthy. I am a spec of dust. I can only pray daily that His love washes over me and kills my castles in the sand. I want to be a part of something greater than me, greater than my mind, greater than anything I could comprehend or imagine. I want to dive into His very self. I love the ocean."

Psalm 139:17-18
"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand..."

Micah 7:19
"He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea."

Children of the Light

Once upon a time there was a girl who had everything her heart desired. She had lots of wonderful friends, parents who loved and supported her, and most of all a God who cherished and provided for her more than she even deserved. The little girl grew up with her heart on her sleeve. She loved people with every fiber of her being and was terribly sad when people didn't love her back.

However, she soon learned that although she was so filled up with love, the world wasn't always a nice place. Sometimes it was dark in the world, and many times the girl got scared of the dark. She didn't realize it at first but, her heart was a light that shone in the darkness and she didn't have to be afraid. But sometimes she was very afraid. She didn't know it, but when she was afraid, the light in her heart would grow dim. It would never go completely out, but her fear made it so much less bright that sometimes people didn't even see it.

The light she had came from a much bigger light that she loved so very much. He was the Ultimate Light. And the girl knew in the very bottom of her heart that he loved her, and that's why he put his light in her. But sometimes, when the darkness terrified her and it seemed like the world would overwhelm her, she would forget about his love. And she would stumble in the darkness and fall. And her heart on her sleeve would get cut up and bleed. And she would cry because she didn't understand why the world was so very mean to her. Her perfect friends would hurt her feelings, her parents wouldn't understand, and all the time the girl would cry and blind herself with sad, sad tears that made her feel all alone.

But she was never alone. The Ultimate Light was always there, even in the darkness. But the little girl thought it was her responsibility to keep her light shining bright, and she would get mad at herself when she fell and her heart on her sleeve began to bleed. She thought she was doing something wrong because big girls aren't supposed to cry. She'd gather all the ugly sticks in her life and try to burn them on her own so that maybe she could make her light shine a little brighter. And it would work sometimes, but a lot of times it would only make her cry harder. Because the sticks would scratch her, and the fire would burn her. She couldn't try hard enough to make her light glow.

And then she would look around and see all the dark faces around her, the ones who needed her light so badly, the ones who expected to see her shine. And she was afraid they wouldn't love her as much if she didn't shine for them. Her heart on her sleeve would get harder when she thought about them not loving her; it would turn cold and start to wither. And then she would put on a plastic mask around her friends, because she thought that maybe they would like her better if they didn't know the real her. And all the while her heart would grow colder and her tears would freeze and cut her eyes so that she didn't even see the Truth at all anymore.

And then one day the Ultimate Light came to her and wrapped her in his light and melted away the ice around her heart and put his kisses on her scratches and ignited her little light again. He wiped away her tears and picked her up out of her little black pile of ashes, brushed her off and told her, "You are my little girl. I love you and I want you just the way you are. You don't have to be afraid of the dark. You just have to love me most." And he took the bleeding heart on her sleeve, slipped it off of her wrist and put his heart there instead. Then he patted her on the back and told her to keep going- that he'd be right behind her.

And the little girl beamed. And she wasn't afraid anymore. She danced on pretty feet back into the mean world and didn't even care when other people made fun of her. Her heart glowed again and her friends snmiled and saw the light in her eyes. And she remembered the whole time that the Ultimate Light was right behind her.

Until she forgot. Somewhere down the road between Trust Lane and Memories Avenue, she looked around and forget exactly where she was going. And that ugly monster called Fear snuck out of the darkness and began to frighten her again. And she looked behind her and she didn't see the Ultimate light anymore. Panic overwhelmed her and her eyes started to water as a lump came to her throat. Her lip quivered as she braced herself for the fall.

Then she felt a tap on her shoulder. She knew Who it was, but she was too scared to look. She thought the Ultimate Light would be mad that she had led herself back into scary places. So she didn't look. She bit her lip and told herself not to cry. She bit it so hard that it started to bleed, though, and she remembered how she'd bled before. Except this time she knew what bleeding felt like and she was comfortable with it. As long as she didn't have to face the Ultimate Light and tell him about it again, she thought she'd be okay. So she started to tiptoe away from the woods, but she stepped in a thorn bush and fell again, and cut her feet. She wanted to cry.

But she bit her lip even harder and tried not to cry and tried to do it on her own. She fought with the bush and tried to get back up, but the more she tried to do it on her own, the more it cut her up again and again. And so she stopped fighting, and her heart started breaking because the thorns hurt. They didn't feel at all like the kisses from the Ultimate Light. Her feet couldn't take her where she wanted to go because they were caught in the bush, but she didn't want to be stuck in the bush forever. She wanted to dance for the King. But, she told herself that surely the King didn't want broken, tangled up dancers. She wasn't good enough. One tear rolled down her cheek and dripped onto her sleeve. And when she looked she realized that it had fallen onto her heart.

The heart on her wrist that wasn't her heart. It was His heart. And it wasn't bleeding. It was glowing brighter than it ever had before. And it was beating, keeping her light from growing dim. And that's when she realized, she wasn't herself anymore. She was bought with a price. She was not her own. She was not just a girl, she already was a Dancer for the King. She could dance on broken feet. She could love with a broken heart. She could shine in a dark world.

Why?

She was a Child of the Light. She was made new.

"Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, 'Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.' Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." Ephesians 5:6-17