Ruined for Life

I've tried to write this post several times now, unsuccessfully. I'm not sure if it is the perfectionist in me that wants to get the words just right, or if it is really that I am only scared to put my thoughts into words. Scared that someone might actually read them. Scared that someone might challenge me to live by them. Scared that someone might oppose them. 


I think it is a combination of all those things actually. Because this is a big idea, and I don't want to get it wrong. When you read it, I want you all to see the bigness of it. Not just another blog post. I want you to see my heart- my passion, my brokenness, my dreaming. 


And yet, I hope my words speak nothing of myself, and only of the God that breaths life into the spirit churning within me. Because, again, I think this bigness has nothing to do with me and everything to do with HIM. Everything to do with HIS SPIRIT that lives within me.


So, with these weighty words, I will begin. I only pray that as you read, it is not me you hear speaking, but the Lord. I pray He moves in you as He has and is moving in me. 


In several of my other drafts, I began this post trying to explain myself. "I'm not your typical college student. I'm not your typical Christian." I wanted you to see that I was something out of the ordinary, that I had this completely unique passion about God that has always made me uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted you to understand that it was this out-of-the-ordinary attitude that drove my heart to burn with discontentment. It was this attitude that justified what I was going to say.


But between draft 1 of this thought, and now, as I seek God's wisdom and guidance, even my approach to this conviction has changed. 


You see, I AM your typical college student. I AM your typical Christian. I AM your typical human. I AM not unique. I have skipped classes. I have stayed out too late the night before a test. I have slept through my alarm for church. I have chosen not to share my faith when the opportunity arose. I have sinned like every other human on this earth. I have ignored God's call in my life. I have been self-centered, righteous in my own eyes, and altogether so blinded by my own "uniqueness" that I missed the point entirely. 


And yet it is so easy for me to say it's not about me. It's so easy to spout out, soli Deo gloria. It's so easy to sign up for leadership positions, to be involved in Bible studies, campus outreach, and volunteer work, and be nowhere near the path and plan of God, much less His glory. 


This breaks my heart. Not only because I am guilty, but because none of that was my intention when I started. Ritual and rote doesn't begin with lukewarm motivation. Those are the culprits of my own humanness. Jesus didn't die for ritual. He didn't die for religion. He died for a relationship- with you, with me, and with every human heart in this world that is so prone to forget that. We cling to our actions; look at what I can do! And we forget; look what HE ALREADY DID! 


But, I'm getting ahead of myself. You see last week, I experienced what I will fondly refer to as a "crisis of self." Every once in awhile, I think these crises are healthy and necessary to shake up my little world, turn it upside down, and wake me up from the self-induced coma I put myself in, boring my brains out with my own human ritual. 


My crisis went something like this: "Oh my gosh. The Perspectives class I am taking is awesome. It makes me want to move to Africa right now and spend the rest of my life doing mission work reaching the unreached and fulfilling the great commission that Jesus gave us to make disciples of all nations. Wow, I don't feel like I am being effective at all in college. I don't need a 4 year degree to go die in the Amazon preaching the name of Jesus. Maybe I should just quit school and follow God to the ends of the earth so He can use me to reach out to Muslims instead of the lost college kids on my campus."


That is a paraphrase. The real crisis in my head lasted a lot longer and had a lot more ME's. But, in a nutshell, these were the thoughts going through my head after Perspectives class last Thursday. And by the speed at which those thoughts were traveling, I doubted whether I would be returning to college in the fall. I mean, in those terms, what was the point?


I must pause here to give credit to my mom, not because she reacted exactly how I expected her to react and said exactly what I expected her to say when I called her Friday almost in tears over my "conviction." No, I think I need to give her credit because she said exactly what I expected in exactly the way I DIDN'T expect her to say it. She had her points: college is good, be faithful where you are, pray about it. But the thing that really threw me off guard was not the advice she gave, but the question she asked. 


You see, I was so adamant in making my point that I didn't need to conform to the 4-year program that our world has set up, so adamant that God needed me somewhere else physically in the world to serve Him best, that by the time I had worked myself up to say how convicted I was, I wasn't prepared for what she was going to ask next. "So where do you feel led to go?"


East Asia, the Middle East, Africa, Europe- just about every continent rushed through my head. "Uh... Well, I mean, He hasn't exactly opened a door for me yet, but that doesn't mean He's not preparing my heart to say yes to wherever He wants to send me when He does." That was the best response I could muster, because honestly, I had no idea WHERE God wanted me to go, just that I had this burning desire to GO.


Thank God for moms.


And for God's faithfulness in that when we draw near to Him, He also will draw near to us. 


You see, what I've found in the last week of searching, praying, seeking wise counsel, and asking God for discernment about what I thought was a question of "where?" ended up being a much more foundational discovery of the who, what, when, and why. Mostly the why. 


Who does God want to use? Me. Who does God want me to reach? His lost sheep. What does He want me to do? Be His witness in Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and the ends of the earth. When does He want me to do this? Right now. Why?


Why?


I had to think long and hard on this question, because I am beginning to see more clearly that my answer to this question shapes the way in which I approach the rest of my answers. It molds my convictions, motivates my actions, and informs my perspective on... well on everything I say I believe. Why do I believe this gospel is so critical? Why does God want to use me, a sinner? And why is it that when I think of reaching the nations for Christ, I am so drawn to reading it backward? The ends of the earth, Samaria, Judea, Jerusalem? 


It starts here. It starts now. 


I don't know how to say this more bluntly. God's mission in my life HAS NEVER BEEN in the future. It has never been about the WHERE, though my weak little eyes have often seen it that way. I have been so caught up in my "saving the world" mindset that I have forgotten that the world starts at my doorstep. It keeps going around the globe, but the point that God seems to be impressing me with is that I DON'T CHOOSE where He uses me. I must simply say yes and hold on for dear life to His plan, wherever it takes me. 


Which might just be across the hall in my dorm. Or across the room in my French class. Or across campus to the library, to the cafeteria, to the rec. 


The point is, I had my bifocals on backward. I was trying to see so far into my future, that I forgot that God might actually have a task for me to complete in the present that is equally as vital and essentially as important as whatever plans God might have for me down the road. Right now, God is using me. And right now, I don't want to miss that opportunity, because it is an opportunity that I will NEVER encounter again.


And yet, I still feel like my words are inadequate to convey the level of conviction I've been feeling this past week. Maybe it's because I have said this before. TCU is my mission field, yada, yada, yada...


Words. If you haven't noticed, words are one of my favorite things. With words I can speak my mind, verbalize my opinions, share my heart, and ask people to join me in my journey seeking God. I think words are one of the biggest blessings God bestowed upon me, a tool that I can use to give Him glory. 


But sometimes I feel like words are a curse. Like right now. How in the world could words ever equal conviction? I can say a million times that I want to be used for God's glory, but until my heart and my life start VISIBLY reflecting that, what good are my empty words?


So. Here is my proposition. I may not have any answers concerning my crisis of self. Maybe God needs me somewhere across the globe, or maybe He needs me at TCU. I don't know. But, this I do know: God will not use me to impact the world until I let go of my inhibitions and allow Him to impact me. 


This is big. Don't you see it? I feel as if I have said this a thousand times. Yes, I will say it again. How much different would my life be if instead of asking WHERE, I asked WHY? Instead of asking WHO, I asked ME? Instead of merely talking about my faith, I leapt. 


In my mind I imagine it like a triangle. So often I am tempted to start with the large perspective, the base of the triangle, the world. I expect God to clarify and narrow me down to the point, the precise place He wants to lead me, like a golden arrow pointing me in the way that I should go. But, I have a feeling that's not really how it works. I think I have it upside down. The arrow is pointing at me. It all starts with me. Do I really believe what I claim I do? If I do, then my life, my ministry, my living, breathing, driving conviction will only expand out from there. You can't contain a passion like that; it's got to spread. 


But it will start here. It will start now. 


As I say to my friend Dom, "My life is ruined... in a good way."


Let's turn our triangles upside down. World, beware.


"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you." Psalm 32:8

"A man's steps are from the Lord; how then can man understand his way?" Proverbs 20:24

"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart." Proverbs 21: 2

"Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is folly with God." 1 Corinthians 3:18-19

The Beat of His Heart

Sitting here, sipping coffee in a hippy little coffee shop in Fort Worth, Texas, I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that just over a week ago, I was in Africa. I cannot put this feeling into words, except to say that it is surreal. Classes have begun, life has recommenced, and I am left in Africa's wake, dreaming of the hot sun on my shoulders, dirt on my face, and the sweaty little fingers of a hundred orphans in my hands. Real life doesn't feel real anymore. It's just what I do in the meantime.

I know I spoke before of a more comprehensive breakdown of my trip, but honestly in the last week I have talked so much about the logistics of where I went, what I did, and what I learned, I really just want to talk about who it's made me become. I hope, for those of you following me, that this is alright with you. My heart, I feel, is literally exploding at the seams, and I think to contain it any longer would be unwise. So, I offer, unfiltered, my thoughts and passions entering this new year. 

Some recurring mottos of mine this past week in talking to people about what God has been doing in my life are: "God is awesome. He brings things full circle. Soli deo gloria. To Him alone be the glory." I think to express my heart, I will simply follow the outline of these mantras. 

God is awesome. As redundant as this sentence sounds, please bear with me as I expound upon this fundamental truth. Our God is awesome. Let me define awesome for you. Awesome is not the cool tricks my brother can do with a yoyo. It is not the feeling I get when I drive 100 miles an hour on the country roads at home. Its not any person I can think of, any achievement I could name, or anything I could imagine in and of myself. When I typed "awesome" into my web browser, this is what google came up with: "1. extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear. 2. extremely good; excellent." The only entity I can think of that fits those qualifications is my God.

I can't even begin to describe how my heart leaps in my chest, when I think of those qualities of God that pull my heart to praise Him with such a weighty word. He is more than impressive. He is daunting. He does inspire my admiration, apprehension, and fear. He is extremely holy, eternally good, and incomparably excellent. "Our God is an awesome God; He reigns from heaven above, with wisdom, power, and love. Our God is an awesome God."

God brings things full circle. I know everyone has heard the phrase at some point, "God works all things for the good of those that love Him." I think, however, that a lot of times when we say that, we don't actually believe it. Or if we do, we don't really think that the good that will come will be even better than the good that we can imagine. Not true. Our God, who turned the worst of sinners and Christian persecutors, Saul, into arguably one of the most profound apostles in the new testament, Paul, is the same God working in our lives today. He still sanctifies, He still opens blind eyes, He still moves mountains. I have seen His glory, and humbled lie on my face before Him, begging Him to spare me, for I am an unclean sinner.

God brings all things full circle. I think some of you who have heard my testimony will know what story I am referring to when I expound upon this, but not a single day goes by that I am not caught breathless at the mercy and grace my Savior has shown me in the last two years. God brings all things full circle. He does not leave His story with loose ends. (And if He does, chances are, the story is not yet over.) He works all things for the good of those who love Him. 

Such is the story of two girls whose friendship turned sour after sin and idols crept in, where before their God was the glue that brought them together. God works all things for good, even when, heartbroken and torn apart, these girls thought their sin was too great, their friendship irreparable, their testimony, tarnished for life. In May of 2010, I said goodbye to the closest friend that I had ever known. I hoped and prayed that God could restore what our sin-blackened hearts had destroyed, but like Abraham, God asked me to lay my friend upon his altar and let go. Like Moses, I had to place her friendship in a basket and turn her lose to God upon the Nile. I never thought I'd see my friend again. 

Two years later, I look back and see that pain, the endless silence that He held between us, and know exactly why it was necessary for our further sanctification in Him. I never thought He could bring good out of something so terribly bad. But, I'm glad to say I was mistaken. Not only has God restored my heart, torn down the wall of silence, and restored our friendship a thousandfold. He has taught me immeasurable humility, grace, patience, and trust in the process. Without this trial, I cannot say that I would be the person that I am today. It feels strange to say, but I would not change any of that heartache, because I can see through it that I have grown. In faith, in hope, and in love. But mostly love. 

So you are wondering I am sure, at this point, what any of this has to do with Africa. Soli Deo gloria. To God alone be the glory, my last point. I have realized, through my work in Africa, my life here on campus at TCU, my involvement with CRU and my church, going on a Summer Project in Ocean City, going to Joplin, going to Belize, and reading the Word that none of these things in and of themselves has brought me any closer to Christ. They have not sanctified me. They have shaped me, they have molded me, but they have not made me any more righteous.

That is the fingerprint of God in my life.

Reveling in the work of Christ in my life has made me who I am. Allowing him to use the people, the places, and the experiences I've had in the last (eventful!) year, has made me who I am. And that is something I would not change for the world. He could have done all of these things here, at home, but He didn't. He opened my eyes literally and spiritually, to the work of His kingdom. He awakened my soul to the beat of His heart. And let me tell you, it is a glorious beat, an exhilarating beat, a crazy life-changing beat. And the best part is is that the song is not yet over.

I hope, forevermore, to dance to this beat. Be it in Belize, Maryland, Africa, Oman, or a quiet little hippy coffee shop in Fort Worth, Texas. I want my soul to sing His praise, exude His glory, and point the world to do the same. It's a divine dance. I would ask you to join me, if you dare. I cannot say it will always be easy. It will not always be fun, but it will be worth it; I can promise you that!

Soli Deo gloria.

Will you dance?

Soul Poetry

Oh, that my soul would seek You more,
In longing passion, grace implore.
Oh, that my heart would cherish Thee
Above all else, my eyes would see
The glory of your righteous worth.
Exchange my death for your rebirth.
My soul, encumbered, dead to sin,
Not of my works does yours begin;
To turn a hardened heart to praise
And in that work, a dead man raise.
Oh, that my cry would ever be
Not of myself, but all to Thee:
My God, my God, consume my soul.
Break me, fill me, make me whole.
Turn my heart alone to you;
In spirit worship all that's true,
In goodness seek your glory's plan
Upon eternal heaven's span.
Too oft I look upon the scale
Of earthly treasures, men that fail,
Forgetting that in all I need
You sent your Son for me to bleed.
Upon a cross for mercy's sake
Your justice hung upon that stake.
And yet, in wisdom joy was found
When death was forfeit from the ground.
You rose triumphant from the grave
And to your glory, men did save.
Oh, Maker of my life and breath,
Sanctify me in this death!
That in your sacrifice for me,
I would not my own worth see.
But rather unto myself die
And make your glory my sole cry.
Praise Him, praise Him, heart of stone!
Spirit, wake to Him alone!
Oh, God, I beg you, make me thine
And through my life, let your Light shine!

The Toothpaste Gospel

I see tiny dirty fingers grabbing at my skirt. Little voices raised angrily as the children around me push and shove their way to the front of the line. "Me, me!" they shout and reach for the flimsy little toothbrushes I am handing out. Toothbrushes. There is toothpaste further down the line, which I later see the kids squirting into their mouths like candy. Something in my heart doesn't feel right as I give them these things after so little time getting to know them. They want what I can give them so badly, and overlook the simplest and best thing I have to offer: love.

On the bus ride home, my heart is torn between anger and frustration as I think about their little grabby hands. I wonder how they could be so greedy that they cared more about the gifts than the giver. We came in planning to do crafts with them, love them, tell them about Jesus, and hold them in our arms. We wanted to show them the reason we love, because He first loved us.

Instead we ended up watching them perform for us for over an hour before being asked by the pastor to hand out the goodies we had come bearing. Chaos ensued and I wondered just how effective our materialism gospel really was. The kids got their toothbrushes, which would last them a couple of months at best. They got their toothpaste, which was lucky to even make it home for its proper use. But what else did they go home with? A better picture of the philanthropic mindset that white people with nice clothes have lots of money and like to give things away?

Maybe. I hope and pray they saw a small glimpse of the love and light we tried so desperately to reflect, but with only a few hours of organized chaos, I couldn't help but wonder on the bus ride home: is this stop and drop gospel really even the gospel at all?

Don't get me wrong- this trip has been one of the best experiences of my life so far. I can give you twice as many awesome stories about how God is using this trip exponentially to grow my spiritual worldview and do amazing works in these orphans lives as well, but I think every now and then a little team analysis is healthy and necessary.

Sitting on the bus, trying not to be sour about how unsuccessful I had labeled the day in my brain, God tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to look at the situation from His eyes.

"I see tiny dirty fingers grabbing at my throne. Little voices raised angrily in prayer, pushing and shoving and complaining as they scream, "Me, me, me!" They grab and reach for the temporal blessings I can give. They ask for prosperity and good health and then turn around and squander their blessings on idols. Something in my heart doesn't feel right giving them these things, knowing that they barely even know me. They want what I can give them so badly, and overlook the simplest and best thing I have to offer: my love."

Looking in the mirror of my Savior's broken heart, I can't help but become convicted. I am just like those children. I want the gifts and not the love of the giver. I am so consumed with what I think God's best for me should be, that I forget that He is standing right in front of me waiting for me to crawl into his lap and let Him love me. I forget to let Him show me what His best really is. I break His heart swallowing the toothpaste He gives me and grab with grubby fingers at the temporal blessings in this life that pass away.

God, thank you for convicting me of the ways I fall short of your glorious plan. Help me always to seek You and your love above all else. Thank You for showing me my own weakness. Help me to desire You more and more and help me to find my joy in your love only. Amen.

"Even a child makes himself known by his acts, by whether his conduct is pure and upright." Proverbs 20:11

Blessings from Kenya

What a blessing it is to be sitting in Nairobi, Kenya typing my first blog entry of 2012. Who would have imagined a year ago as I welcomed in the new year that this opportunity would even be a possibility, much less a reality. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good and that's His nature. Wow. (as the kids from Fiwagoh orphanage have taught me to say.

A week into the trip, I can't even begin to tell you how humbled I am daily by the humility and love I have experienced while here. Every orphanage we have visited has left me wondering what exactly God brought me here to do. The kids love us so deeply and so wholly, I can't imagine my meager contributions here have any significance compared to how much they loved me. I couldn't help but cry as I thanked my little Kenyan friends for their hospitality this week as out team packed our bags to move to Uganda tonight. It was a bittersweet goodbye. I can't say it didn't leave my heart a little broken. I think I left a piece of it in the red African soil; we shall see what God can grow from it.

In my reading this week I came across a verse that really spoke to my heart right now.

"O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger. When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" Psalm 8:1-4

This Psalm reminds me of the beautiful sound of children's voices we heard raised in praise to our Lord when we attended worship at Fiwagoh. "Een theh sweeeht bye end bye,bye end bye, we shall meet en thaht beeyouteeful shore..." It brings a smile to my face, even sitting here remembering the sound of their precious voices, and I know God smiles in heaven every morning that He hears them begin their day praising Him.

The Psalm also talks about the heavens praising God. Let me tell you that the sunsets and sunrises here everyday praise God with glorious splendor. Waking early in the morning to shower before our long, tiresome days, I was tempted to complain about our cold, tiny shower, or the little amount of sleep I got, but all I had to do was look out the window of our tiny bunk house and I knew that these days were ordained by the Lord.

The trip is only halfway over and already I am so excited for the things God is teaching me. He truly is an awesome God, and I am so blessed to be experiencing the power of His love here in Africa. I pray daily that He will continue to open my eyes and my heart to the people He brings into my life here. Thank you all so much for your prayers an support. Keep me in your prayers still for the final week I am here and continue to ask God to show me more of Him.

Much love, and greetings from Kenya!

"If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me." Psalm 139:9-10