Ruined for Life

I've tried to write this post several times now, unsuccessfully. I'm not sure if it is the perfectionist in me that wants to get the words just right, or if it is really that I am only scared to put my thoughts into words. Scared that someone might actually read them. Scared that someone might challenge me to live by them. Scared that someone might oppose them. 


I think it is a combination of all those things actually. Because this is a big idea, and I don't want to get it wrong. When you read it, I want you all to see the bigness of it. Not just another blog post. I want you to see my heart- my passion, my brokenness, my dreaming. 


And yet, I hope my words speak nothing of myself, and only of the God that breaths life into the spirit churning within me. Because, again, I think this bigness has nothing to do with me and everything to do with HIM. Everything to do with HIS SPIRIT that lives within me.


So, with these weighty words, I will begin. I only pray that as you read, it is not me you hear speaking, but the Lord. I pray He moves in you as He has and is moving in me. 


In several of my other drafts, I began this post trying to explain myself. "I'm not your typical college student. I'm not your typical Christian." I wanted you to see that I was something out of the ordinary, that I had this completely unique passion about God that has always made me uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted you to understand that it was this out-of-the-ordinary attitude that drove my heart to burn with discontentment. It was this attitude that justified what I was going to say.


But between draft 1 of this thought, and now, as I seek God's wisdom and guidance, even my approach to this conviction has changed. 


You see, I AM your typical college student. I AM your typical Christian. I AM your typical human. I AM not unique. I have skipped classes. I have stayed out too late the night before a test. I have slept through my alarm for church. I have chosen not to share my faith when the opportunity arose. I have sinned like every other human on this earth. I have ignored God's call in my life. I have been self-centered, righteous in my own eyes, and altogether so blinded by my own "uniqueness" that I missed the point entirely. 


And yet it is so easy for me to say it's not about me. It's so easy to spout out, soli Deo gloria. It's so easy to sign up for leadership positions, to be involved in Bible studies, campus outreach, and volunteer work, and be nowhere near the path and plan of God, much less His glory. 


This breaks my heart. Not only because I am guilty, but because none of that was my intention when I started. Ritual and rote doesn't begin with lukewarm motivation. Those are the culprits of my own humanness. Jesus didn't die for ritual. He didn't die for religion. He died for a relationship- with you, with me, and with every human heart in this world that is so prone to forget that. We cling to our actions; look at what I can do! And we forget; look what HE ALREADY DID! 


But, I'm getting ahead of myself. You see last week, I experienced what I will fondly refer to as a "crisis of self." Every once in awhile, I think these crises are healthy and necessary to shake up my little world, turn it upside down, and wake me up from the self-induced coma I put myself in, boring my brains out with my own human ritual. 


My crisis went something like this: "Oh my gosh. The Perspectives class I am taking is awesome. It makes me want to move to Africa right now and spend the rest of my life doing mission work reaching the unreached and fulfilling the great commission that Jesus gave us to make disciples of all nations. Wow, I don't feel like I am being effective at all in college. I don't need a 4 year degree to go die in the Amazon preaching the name of Jesus. Maybe I should just quit school and follow God to the ends of the earth so He can use me to reach out to Muslims instead of the lost college kids on my campus."


That is a paraphrase. The real crisis in my head lasted a lot longer and had a lot more ME's. But, in a nutshell, these were the thoughts going through my head after Perspectives class last Thursday. And by the speed at which those thoughts were traveling, I doubted whether I would be returning to college in the fall. I mean, in those terms, what was the point?


I must pause here to give credit to my mom, not because she reacted exactly how I expected her to react and said exactly what I expected her to say when I called her Friday almost in tears over my "conviction." No, I think I need to give her credit because she said exactly what I expected in exactly the way I DIDN'T expect her to say it. She had her points: college is good, be faithful where you are, pray about it. But the thing that really threw me off guard was not the advice she gave, but the question she asked. 


You see, I was so adamant in making my point that I didn't need to conform to the 4-year program that our world has set up, so adamant that God needed me somewhere else physically in the world to serve Him best, that by the time I had worked myself up to say how convicted I was, I wasn't prepared for what she was going to ask next. "So where do you feel led to go?"


East Asia, the Middle East, Africa, Europe- just about every continent rushed through my head. "Uh... Well, I mean, He hasn't exactly opened a door for me yet, but that doesn't mean He's not preparing my heart to say yes to wherever He wants to send me when He does." That was the best response I could muster, because honestly, I had no idea WHERE God wanted me to go, just that I had this burning desire to GO.


Thank God for moms.


And for God's faithfulness in that when we draw near to Him, He also will draw near to us. 


You see, what I've found in the last week of searching, praying, seeking wise counsel, and asking God for discernment about what I thought was a question of "where?" ended up being a much more foundational discovery of the who, what, when, and why. Mostly the why. 


Who does God want to use? Me. Who does God want me to reach? His lost sheep. What does He want me to do? Be His witness in Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and the ends of the earth. When does He want me to do this? Right now. Why?


Why?


I had to think long and hard on this question, because I am beginning to see more clearly that my answer to this question shapes the way in which I approach the rest of my answers. It molds my convictions, motivates my actions, and informs my perspective on... well on everything I say I believe. Why do I believe this gospel is so critical? Why does God want to use me, a sinner? And why is it that when I think of reaching the nations for Christ, I am so drawn to reading it backward? The ends of the earth, Samaria, Judea, Jerusalem? 


It starts here. It starts now. 


I don't know how to say this more bluntly. God's mission in my life HAS NEVER BEEN in the future. It has never been about the WHERE, though my weak little eyes have often seen it that way. I have been so caught up in my "saving the world" mindset that I have forgotten that the world starts at my doorstep. It keeps going around the globe, but the point that God seems to be impressing me with is that I DON'T CHOOSE where He uses me. I must simply say yes and hold on for dear life to His plan, wherever it takes me. 


Which might just be across the hall in my dorm. Or across the room in my French class. Or across campus to the library, to the cafeteria, to the rec. 


The point is, I had my bifocals on backward. I was trying to see so far into my future, that I forgot that God might actually have a task for me to complete in the present that is equally as vital and essentially as important as whatever plans God might have for me down the road. Right now, God is using me. And right now, I don't want to miss that opportunity, because it is an opportunity that I will NEVER encounter again.


And yet, I still feel like my words are inadequate to convey the level of conviction I've been feeling this past week. Maybe it's because I have said this before. TCU is my mission field, yada, yada, yada...


Words. If you haven't noticed, words are one of my favorite things. With words I can speak my mind, verbalize my opinions, share my heart, and ask people to join me in my journey seeking God. I think words are one of the biggest blessings God bestowed upon me, a tool that I can use to give Him glory. 


But sometimes I feel like words are a curse. Like right now. How in the world could words ever equal conviction? I can say a million times that I want to be used for God's glory, but until my heart and my life start VISIBLY reflecting that, what good are my empty words?


So. Here is my proposition. I may not have any answers concerning my crisis of self. Maybe God needs me somewhere across the globe, or maybe He needs me at TCU. I don't know. But, this I do know: God will not use me to impact the world until I let go of my inhibitions and allow Him to impact me. 


This is big. Don't you see it? I feel as if I have said this a thousand times. Yes, I will say it again. How much different would my life be if instead of asking WHERE, I asked WHY? Instead of asking WHO, I asked ME? Instead of merely talking about my faith, I leapt. 


In my mind I imagine it like a triangle. So often I am tempted to start with the large perspective, the base of the triangle, the world. I expect God to clarify and narrow me down to the point, the precise place He wants to lead me, like a golden arrow pointing me in the way that I should go. But, I have a feeling that's not really how it works. I think I have it upside down. The arrow is pointing at me. It all starts with me. Do I really believe what I claim I do? If I do, then my life, my ministry, my living, breathing, driving conviction will only expand out from there. You can't contain a passion like that; it's got to spread. 


But it will start here. It will start now. 


As I say to my friend Dom, "My life is ruined... in a good way."


Let's turn our triangles upside down. World, beware.


"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you." Psalm 32:8

"A man's steps are from the Lord; how then can man understand his way?" Proverbs 20:24

"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart." Proverbs 21: 2

"Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is folly with God." 1 Corinthians 3:18-19