I could blame this feeling on post-project blues. I could blame this heartache on Satan, stress, school, or a million other things. I could go on and on about how hard it is coming back to campus and missing so desperately the community and family I came so much to love this summer. I could make a list of all the expectations I had for myself, goals for God, dreams of revolution, determination to change my campus for the glory of God.
And then I could show you the parallel list of how many ways I have failed at that vision. I could show you all the times I walked past a lonely freshman sitting in the cafeteria by herself, because I already had a table of friends waiting. I could tell you about how, even though I've been physically in person at all the CRU and church events these past 2 weeks, I've somehow felt empty. Empty. What a strange word to describe my life right now...
Oh, and here's the kicker, I could take you through my journals and my Bible reading plan and show you how many quiet times I've skipped in the last 2 weeks.
Probably about 13.
Coming back to my dorm after 5 hours straight of classes today, feeling flustered and defeated, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked, "What the heck is wrong with me?"
It wasn't classes, though 5 hours will do it for the best of us, it wasn't my sore legs from running daily for the past to weeks, it wasn't how dirty my room was, it wasn't the errands I still had to run. If anything on project, I learned to live in motion. So what? Why the bruised heart?
And I realized it. The sparkle was gone. The confident sparkle- the overflowing joy. I've cut off my source of power for the past two weeks, other than bucket stops along the way, and it's no wonder I'm fading. I might as well be a prune for heaven's sake! I hate prunes!
But seriously.
I'm sitting here thinking right now, "How does a person come off of a 10 week Jesus high, and go to nothing? Zero? Zilch? Nada?"
You're asking me.
All I have is silence. Guilty silence. Ringing in my ears. Asking why I could drag myself out of bed for the last two weeks to run every morning, but couldn't get up half an hour earlier to charge up with my Creator first? Asking how I could speak so enthusiastically to all my friends, mentors, strangers even, about the best summer of my life so far, knowing I hadn't even thrown my widow's mite in here at home? Asking how I could pose as a leader in my community here on campus, encouraging people to pray about their lives and seek God first and foremost, all the while allowing myself to slowly shrivel into a paper mask? A pretender?
Is that what I am? One giant ugly pretender?
I hope and pray not. God, with all my heart, I beg you to rescue me from myself! Like some stupid sheep, I don't even know sometimes that I go astray, but Father, I know you lead my beside still waters and restore my soul. For you, oh Lord, do I thirst. For you I plead, lead me down your path of righteousness. Help me never to forget where you have brought me from, that Your praises may increase more and more. Help me follow You, God, Abba, Daddy. I want be with You.
I don't know who will read this. Honestly now that the summer is over, I don't even know that anyone will even keep up with this blog. But the journey didn't end on project... It's still His journey, not my own.
So if you happened to stumble upon this, or if you've been keeping up with me for awhile (wondering why I haven't posted in so long)- can I ask just one thing?
I don't have the answers this time. I like to think I do sometimes. I like my blog posts to end nicely on notes like "here's what I've learned" or "think about this." I don't have that tonight. This is unfinished business. This is raw material. Let's get real- no really.
Here's my question: Pray for me?
Pray for an unquenchable passion in my desire to seek God. Pray for my prayer life- to be in intimate conversations with my Creator constantly. Pray for the people I come in contact with and my own boldness, that I would listen when the Spirit whispers in my soul. Pray for all of this not to be about me checking things off my Jesus list. Pray for me to be humbled daily.
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33
I'm reading, friend. And I understand. And I will pray. I love you! What you are experiencing is not uncommon. Run to the cross - the Gospel shows us that we are prone to wander...surrender there. Let Him show you any idols that He is surfacing through this. Rest. See you soon, sweet Callie.
ReplyDeleteI'm reading too. Bug, gave me the link. I love to hear a heart that is surrendered to the Lord and I love your honesty and vulnerability. Every saint being even remotely honest can identify with these sentiments. Thankfully, our righteousness is a gift...never earned through our devotion to Him. I'll pray that He will break you where you need to be broken and then speak sweet words of comfort over you. He is faithful. Thanks for writing. - Kim
ReplyDeleteI was encouraged by your dad to read your blog dated 8/30. I've shared your wrestlings quite often. These days it seems that I am being called to plant a church in the not-too-distant future. Every time I think about it, I feel sick inside, knowing that I am not capable. But then I realize that, as a new creation, I am being perfected and not of my own strengths or abilities, but by the Creator. Our fleshly tents and emotions, moods, and wills often bog us down. And then there's the Enemy of our soul who would love nothing better than to distract, discourage, despair, and deceive us into believing we're worthless and don't measure up. But Callie, you already know the REAL truth. You are completely justified and already seated with Him. He is always faithful, even when we're not. Deserts are dry and weary places of trial and sometimes when we come down from mountain top experiences we can journey into these desolate places. But be encouraged: Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert where he was tried and tempted and when He returned from that arid and dangerous place, He was victorious and FILLED with the Spirit. We've been saved FROM works...TO works, the works which He created in eternity past for us to now do. So be faithful in what you're called to do. Then DO those things. And be filled with Holy Spirit as you do them. Paul said, "And ONE thing I DO: Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Go girl, go!! In Him, Mr. Bealand
ReplyDeleteHey Callie, I know you don't have instant updates about the old project community, but I want to let you know that a lot of us are/were struggling with the same emptiness. You are definitely not alone. It brought tears to my eyes when I read this, because for a period of time, I kept you in my prayers every day. And then the I fell into the same ditch and my prayer life and quiet time were almost non-existent. God convicted me through your blog post that I forgot to pray for a friend that I deeply love and care for.
ReplyDeleteRain or shine, you've been an incredible inspiration to me, because I know your heart for the Lord. There's no doubt in my mind that you can be that same inspiration to others.
And I know you posted this a while ago, so I hope things are getting better. I wish to hear from you soon whether through skype or just text/call. Renew that passion you had several weeks ago! Don't let God's work in you through SP go wasted! I pray this for you, as well as myself and the others.
Love, Teo