Less Than a Sparrow?

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more value than they?" Matthew 6:25-26

I never thought I'd have to take this verse so literally. 

I live in America. I mean c'mon. Growing up my parents gave me everything. They still give me everything. And I, like every other spoiled brat born to an American dream family, take that for granted. I think you know what I mean. They give me everything. Food, transportation, education, clothing, you name it- they gave it to me.

And I love them because of that. I am grateful for not only the material things they have poured into my life, but the spiritual and eternal things as well. I am so grateful for the love my parents have shown me, the grace they have offered with open palms, and the reflection of God's provision they have poured into my life. They gave me the most important nourishment that fosters the soul and shows us what our God really looks like, at least a glimpse of Him. They led me to my Father.

And it's before that Father I stood today, asking, "Feed me?"

I don't mean this as a metaphor. This isn't some sort of allegory to how I'm hungry for His love, wisdom, and grace. No, this is real. This is me looking at my bank account after being on Project for five and a half weeks, realizing that I am in the red. Straight up, broke. Not a word my little pampered life is used to hearing by any means. 

Oh sure, I've been working for at least three weeks now. But, I don't get a paycheck for another week. And the one I did get last week (for one day's worth of work) has to be mailed home to be deposited in my account. You know what that means? Zero dollars until at least Monday. And even then- only thirty-five dollars of grace until my next paycheck...

No public transportation. No going out to dinner with the life group. No random coffee runs when I'm tired. No brunch after church on Sunday. No thrifting with my girls. No new toiletries. No new clothes. No bus. No laundry. No food. 

Am I less than a sparrow here?

I spent a good portion of my day today worrying about how I was going to make it for the next week with absolutely no money and almost an empty pantry. And you know what I discovered? Worry is only good for spoiling your mood, and consequently the mood of others. And you know what? That's not very reflective of God's mercy and Almighty provision in my life.

Trust? Who needs that?

Me. With a capital M.

Food? Well, I just have to say that while I might not be able to have my yummy yogurt, fresh fruit, and protein bars for awhile, the churches here on project are more than generous in donating canned goods, boxes of macaroni, bread, and other food items to our group. Hey, I can live off Ramen Noodles for the next week and a half right? Even in my poverty, I'm still a thousand times more abundantly rich than half the hungry people on this globe who God calls us to feed. I am, by no definition, starving.

And I think that's what God is trying to teach my obese little American brain. 

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:33-34

Am I less than a sparrow? Heavens no! I am a child of the King and I will feast someday at His table in glory. What more do I need on this earth?

And as for those Ramen Noodles- maybe I'll discover a new favorite food and stop buying my expensive yogurt and fresh raspberries and start supporting a starving child in a third world country. 

"What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, ' Go in peace, be warmed and filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." James 2:14-17

* Note: I am not asking for money, nor am I bemoaning my state here on project. I'm simply seeking to reveal, even in an extreme light, the ways God is revealing His grace and provision for me. I covet your prayers and ask that if you feel convicted (as I do) about feeding the REAL poor- you would consider supporting a child through International Servants (http://www.internationalservants.com/www) where I served in Belize this summer, or Compassion International (http://www.compassion.com/) which helps provide food and education to underprivileged children worldwide. I'll be "adopting" my first child when my first paycheck comes in a week!

Bent Low

The words of Katie, a sister in Christ who lives and loves in Uganda, ring in my ears. "Around here, we live bent low." Pause and dwell on those words a moment. They speak in simple terms. They reveal a not so simple truth:

Around here, I do not live bent low.

But I want to! Oh, how God is revealing in my heart such a longing for a life lived in sacrifice to Him. Even as I write, convicted that I don't even have the slightest glimpse of what I'm asking for, don't even know the extent of the trials I am begging God to carry me through, I see my brothers and sisters who serve, who selflessly give up their hopes and dreams, their friends and family, their educations and their livelihoods, to live bent low. And I am jealous. I am zealous. I am set on fire with a passion that I don't know how to follow. "Lord, lead me!" my heart cries.

And I hear His voice in answer. "Listen."

And that's all.

That's it? You have got to be kidding me! God, I'm asking to go! Jesus said, sell all you have and give it to the poor; I'll do it. Christ said to let my dead take care of themselves, to walk away from worldly things; I will! He said to leave behind my father and mother, to not look back and only look to Him; I can do that! So why do I have to wait?

"Listen."

This isn't about me. This isn't about my time. It isn't about being the next best seller on the "Radical" or "Crazy Love" reading list. Sure, someday I want my story to be like the martyrs before me, but hopefully, as Christ said, even my right hand wont know what my left hand is doing. I want God to be the Author of my story and the sole reader of my script. I want an audience of one.

Which means it's time to listen. And to wait. And to learn- to rely on Him. To fall in love with the God I claim to know. To revel in the love letters He has sent to me, which I so diligently neglect. To refine my heart and pick out all the broken ugly pieces that don't look very much like Him. I have to defog the mirror, scrape off the crusty mildew, and look intently into the heart of Jesus.

I hope someday I see His face reflected back to me.

I hope I see a head bent low.

Two hands disfigured.

And a heart split open in love.

Captive to Christ

Alright, so I definitely fail at consistent blogging. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin. I got a job at Aeropostale, but I can hardly call it a job. I've worked once since they hired me and am  not on the schedule to work again until next Tuesday. So basically my job, still, is to get a job.

As for outreach, let me just say that I think that I have grown so much more than ever before in the way I view and execute evangelism. God has taught me so much and planted in me a desire to sow His seeds more than ever before. There have been so many instances out on the boardwalk sharing with people that we meet, that I just feel the Spirit speaking through me. It truly is amazing how little it has to do with me- it all comes from God!

One thing last week that really floored me was just the power of prayer and the love that God showers on us if we simply ask Him to overflow in our hearts. For our community event last Saturday the group went over to Assateague for worship and s'mores on the beach. Sitting there surrounded by all of my brothers and sisters in Christ, I was just overwhelmed at the love and mercy God has shown me through these people. We're all humans, and living together you definitely get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly, but living in a Christ-centered manner, with a Christ-centered focus, on a Christ-centered trip really puts things in perspective. It makes living with 30 other people tolerable. More than that, it teaches you how to love like Christ, with joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. Sitting around the fire that night, I was overcome with a sense of unworthiness. I didn't deserve to be here. I didn't deserve these people's love and respect. I just felt unworthy and lost.

Let me rewind a little. Before coming on project, I felt very much that I was slipping into a "going through the motions" mindset. Don't get me wrong- I wanted to pursue Christ, and was trying to the best of my ability to do so in most ways. But it was stale, stagnant, self-centered pursuit. I didn't "feel" it, so to speak. The best way that I could phrase it when talking to my disciple leader, Jenna, was that I'd lost my passion. God, in my mind had become some demanding judge, an impartial joy-stealing cosmic ruler. Don't get me wrong, in many ways that kind of view of our heavenly King is humbling and necessary. We need a healthy fear of the Lord. The thing is: He is also a loving, personal, Father, and Groom. He cares about my heart and isn't here to steal my joy or my dreams. He's here to make them come true- namely through the pursuit of Himself.

Here's where the story picks back up. That night at Assateague I prayed that God would heal my aching heart, give me back the passion I had lost, and fill me with His joy. I prayed that He would fill my cup to overflowing. I prayed that He would drown me in His overwhelming joy. I didn't need my circumstance to change, and I didn't want a new life- just a new heart, a new joy, a new love for Him.

And that's what I got.

The next two days were legitimately the most joy-filled, spirit-filled, wonderful days I've had in a very long time. And the funny thing is: I got exactly what I prayed for: I still didn't have a job, people around me didn't change. The only thing that changed was me, my outlook, and my heart. God made me into a dreamer again- and that's something I haven't been in a very long time.

Praise be to God, who, when we allow our every thought to be taken captive by His love, fills us up more than we could ever withstand and pours us out into the thirsty hearts of a broken world so that He and He alone gets all the glory!

Daddy, Can I Run?

Safely in Ocean City, I'm sitting here in the living room of our apartment of 3 Jacks (our team's apartment) after a long day of job hunting. With only one application in prospect and way too many rejections to count, it's easy to wonder why in the world I'm even trying. There are hundreds and hundreds of summer vacationers from all over the world here and I am just one face in a thousand trying to figure out where I fit in. I do a lot of questioning, why?

Why am I here? Why isn't God opening any doors?

And then there's the question of how in the world I'm supposed to live with 5 other roommates and 4 more suite mates for 10 weeks this summer in a barely air conditioned house, sleeping on a 3 inch thick mattress. It sounds like a lot of complaining, but I know this is exactly what I signed up for- I'm just praying God will give me the grace to glorify Him in all these circumstances. I'm not going to lie; it's rough. But God has brought together an awesome team of college kids that are already challenging me in my faith. 

One girl, Caitlyn, kept telling me, "Don't worry, girl, God just hasn't opened the door because you haven't found the right one to knock on!" She would encourage me, keep me positive, and challenge me not to be afraid to walk up to any store and ask for an application. And let's face it- it's day one. Who in all honesty expects to be hired on the spot? It takes time.

At devotional time this morning the leader, Michael Frey, told us a story about his son. When he was younger, and even now as a 5 year old, he and his son would be walking down the street. Suddenly his son would look up at his dad and ask him, "Daddy, can I run?" Michael would say yes, and off his little son would go, running to the next cross section, not for any apparent reason, but because he wanted to. He'd ask his dad, "What's my time?" His dad would tell him and he'd smile and ask to do it again. Thinking as a runner, and reflecting back on my slow and laborious run this morning (done more out of habit than need for exercise), I was challenged to take on that kind of attitude. I want to run for Christ with that kind of passion, because I love the act of serving him, of following His command, and being more like him. The psalmist said, "I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." (Psalm 119:32) As I look for a job, and as I seek God's will for my life both here and in Ocean City, I pray that I keep that in mind. I want to be like Michael's son and say to my Father...

"Daddy, can I run?"

With This Step, Thee I Trust

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

Going into this summer, as with every phase of my life, I thought I had a plan. I thought I had each little section of my life partitioned off the way I supposed it would be best delegated. I would go to Belize and then I would serve at an internship in Georgia until school started up again in the fall. Worst case scenario I would be choosing plan B, which was to work as a camp leader at Centrifuge or one of the other numerous youth camps with which I applied. Little did I realize that little voice in the back of my brain was growing my heart into a much different direction, a direction of trust, of faith, and of blind leaping into a wild unknown. 

Ok, so Ocean City, Maryland isn't nearly as drastic a difference as I might have made it sound, but the thing is- it wasn't in my plan. It didn't fit into my nicely molded structure of how I planned to live my life. Don't get me wrong; I'm ecstatic to be able to move halfway across the country and meet other like-minded young believers who are seeking to grow in their relationship with God. To boil it down plain and simple, it's a control thing. I'm an admitted control freak, and when things don't go my way, it makes me uneasy at best. Needless to say, when I found out all my other options for the summer were falling like sand between my fingers, I felt helpless, powerless to my own fate.

And yet, it seems at these moments, when we are at our lowest low, the end of our rope, or the dead end of our own desires, that is when God most miraculously and knowingly steps in, taking charge of our tangled messes, giving order where we created chaos, and revealing, where blinded before we chased after the shifting shadows of this world, His perfect plan. Maybe Georgia would have been great. I'm sure I would have grown substantially in the Lord. With Centrifuge as well, I'm sure I would have been perfectly content witnessing to kids and pouring on them all the love and energy I could muster. The point is- I'll be in Maryland instead, and that, in and of itself, is infinitely better than any other plan I could have formulated.

You see, Maryland, by logic's standards, never should have happened. The deadline was closed and applications were already turned in to be processed. But when all other doors were shut, I found myself asking, "So, what now God?" Forced to rely on Him, I called my CRU director and asked if there was any way I could still sign up for any of the Summer Projects they had been talking about for the past 4 months. (I had been ignoring the announcements, because I thought I already had a plan.) So, Lance, the director, made a few phone call and gave me my options: East Coast or more East Coast. So I chose Maryland, on a whim, turned in my application, and trusted God to take care of the rest. 

A week out from packing my bags to move across the continent, I catch myself getting anxious about the outcome of my adventure. I will know no one. I will have no car. I am taking only what airlines allow in luggage space for ten weeks (ten weeks!), living in an apartment with at least 4 other roommates, and basically just jumping in blind on what I will actually be doing when I arrive there. It's intimidating.

But at the same time, I have a kind of peace about it. God's got my back and I know He wouldn't send me anywhere I couldn't make friends, serve Him, and grow in my walk with Him. With great faith comes great faithfulness. And, that, I know God is faithful. 

Continue checking out the blog. I'm going to try to post daily, even if some of the entries are short, so that you all can know there will always be something new to read about some new great way God is revealing Himself, providing comfort, showing me areas of growth, or calling me to act. This is the place where the journey begins, the first of a thousand beautiful steps as I tread with beautiful feet to spread the gospel and carry Christ's commission. 

"And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, 'How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!'" Romans 10:15