I was reading over some of my journal entries from this summer and found one that I really want to share with all of you. It really spoke to my heart right now, as I hope it does yours. It's funny how easily we forget the lessons that we learn, how easily we throw aside the pearls that God gives us, the trials that He puts us through, and cling instead to the ugly shells of who we once were.
God, clean me out, tear me down, and pour into me instead the fullness of who you are.
June 24, 2011:
"I've had the song by Addison Road stuck in my head lately, What Do I Know Of Holy? The line in the song that says, 'Where have I even stood, but the shore along your ocean?' always gets in my head when I look out over the vast expanse of ocean here at Ocean City. It's so huge- and scary and unknown. I can never see, feel, or understand the whole ocean and that's how big God is- but even more so.
I will never comprehend His love, His power, His glory. I will spend my whole life trying, but I will never measure up. I will never be an ocean. I won't even be a puddle or a drop in the sea. I will only ever be one tiny grain of sand. A speck of dust that falls between the fingers of a vast eternity. I am nothing except what God makes me. It's humbling. It makes me want to fall on my knees and weep.
How easy it is for us to magnify our sand castles, to think we are making something great out of ourselves, something worth God's mighty attention. We forget, until one of His waves comes crashing down around us and the tide erases whatever brief forged royalty we claimed to have, humbling us before the one True King. I built my house on sand and God washed it away.
What would my faith look like, how much more glory would I direct to the King of Kings if I lived with a remembrance of this daily? What if I daily, physically bowed myself before the Lord? What if I tore down my cheap sandy altars and threw away my pride and reputation to the tide of His waves of mercy? What is faith that I could call myself an heir to the King? I am wretched. I am unworthy. I am a spec of dust. I can only pray daily that His love washes over me and kills my castles in the sand. I want to be a part of something greater than me, greater than my mind, greater than anything I could comprehend or imagine. I want to dive into His very self. I love the ocean."
Psalm 139:17-18
"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand..."
Micah 7:19
"He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea."
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Children of the Light
Once upon a time there was a girl who had everything her heart desired. She had lots of wonderful friends, parents who loved and supported her, and most of all a God who cherished and provided for her more than she even deserved. The little girl grew up with her heart on her sleeve. She loved people with every fiber of her being and was terribly sad when people didn't love her back.
However, she soon learned that although she was so filled up with love, the world wasn't always a nice place. Sometimes it was dark in the world, and many times the girl got scared of the dark. She didn't realize it at first but, her heart was a light that shone in the darkness and she didn't have to be afraid. But sometimes she was very afraid. She didn't know it, but when she was afraid, the light in her heart would grow dim. It would never go completely out, but her fear made it so much less bright that sometimes people didn't even see it.
The light she had came from a much bigger light that she loved so very much. He was the Ultimate Light. And the girl knew in the very bottom of her heart that he loved her, and that's why he put his light in her. But sometimes, when the darkness terrified her and it seemed like the world would overwhelm her, she would forget about his love. And she would stumble in the darkness and fall. And her heart on her sleeve would get cut up and bleed. And she would cry because she didn't understand why the world was so very mean to her. Her perfect friends would hurt her feelings, her parents wouldn't understand, and all the time the girl would cry and blind herself with sad, sad tears that made her feel all alone.
But she was never alone. The Ultimate Light was always there, even in the darkness. But the little girl thought it was her responsibility to keep her light shining bright, and she would get mad at herself when she fell and her heart on her sleeve began to bleed. She thought she was doing something wrong because big girls aren't supposed to cry. She'd gather all the ugly sticks in her life and try to burn them on her own so that maybe she could make her light shine a little brighter. And it would work sometimes, but a lot of times it would only make her cry harder. Because the sticks would scratch her, and the fire would burn her. She couldn't try hard enough to make her light glow.
And then she would look around and see all the dark faces around her, the ones who needed her light so badly, the ones who expected to see her shine. And she was afraid they wouldn't love her as much if she didn't shine for them. Her heart on her sleeve would get harder when she thought about them not loving her; it would turn cold and start to wither. And then she would put on a plastic mask around her friends, because she thought that maybe they would like her better if they didn't know the real her. And all the while her heart would grow colder and her tears would freeze and cut her eyes so that she didn't even see the Truth at all anymore.
And then one day the Ultimate Light came to her and wrapped her in his light and melted away the ice around her heart and put his kisses on her scratches and ignited her little light again. He wiped away her tears and picked her up out of her little black pile of ashes, brushed her off and told her, "You are my little girl. I love you and I want you just the way you are. You don't have to be afraid of the dark. You just have to love me most." And he took the bleeding heart on her sleeve, slipped it off of her wrist and put his heart there instead. Then he patted her on the back and told her to keep going- that he'd be right behind her.
And the little girl beamed. And she wasn't afraid anymore. She danced on pretty feet back into the mean world and didn't even care when other people made fun of her. Her heart glowed again and her friends snmiled and saw the light in her eyes. And she remembered the whole time that the Ultimate Light was right behind her.
Until she forgot. Somewhere down the road between Trust Lane and Memories Avenue, she looked around and forget exactly where she was going. And that ugly monster called Fear snuck out of the darkness and began to frighten her again. And she looked behind her and she didn't see the Ultimate light anymore. Panic overwhelmed her and her eyes started to water as a lump came to her throat. Her lip quivered as she braced herself for the fall.
Then she felt a tap on her shoulder. She knew Who it was, but she was too scared to look. She thought the Ultimate Light would be mad that she had led herself back into scary places. So she didn't look. She bit her lip and told herself not to cry. She bit it so hard that it started to bleed, though, and she remembered how she'd bled before. Except this time she knew what bleeding felt like and she was comfortable with it. As long as she didn't have to face the Ultimate Light and tell him about it again, she thought she'd be okay. So she started to tiptoe away from the woods, but she stepped in a thorn bush and fell again, and cut her feet. She wanted to cry.
But she bit her lip even harder and tried not to cry and tried to do it on her own. She fought with the bush and tried to get back up, but the more she tried to do it on her own, the more it cut her up again and again. And so she stopped fighting, and her heart started breaking because the thorns hurt. They didn't feel at all like the kisses from the Ultimate Light. Her feet couldn't take her where she wanted to go because they were caught in the bush, but she didn't want to be stuck in the bush forever. She wanted to dance for the King. But, she told herself that surely the King didn't want broken, tangled up dancers. She wasn't good enough. One tear rolled down her cheek and dripped onto her sleeve. And when she looked she realized that it had fallen onto her heart.
The heart on her wrist that wasn't her heart. It was His heart. And it wasn't bleeding. It was glowing brighter than it ever had before. And it was beating, keeping her light from growing dim. And that's when she realized, she wasn't herself anymore. She was bought with a price. She was not her own. She was not just a girl, she already was a Dancer for the King. She could dance on broken feet. She could love with a broken heart. She could shine in a dark world.
Why?
She was a Child of the Light. She was made new.
"Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, 'Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.' Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." Ephesians 5:6-17
However, she soon learned that although she was so filled up with love, the world wasn't always a nice place. Sometimes it was dark in the world, and many times the girl got scared of the dark. She didn't realize it at first but, her heart was a light that shone in the darkness and she didn't have to be afraid. But sometimes she was very afraid. She didn't know it, but when she was afraid, the light in her heart would grow dim. It would never go completely out, but her fear made it so much less bright that sometimes people didn't even see it.
The light she had came from a much bigger light that she loved so very much. He was the Ultimate Light. And the girl knew in the very bottom of her heart that he loved her, and that's why he put his light in her. But sometimes, when the darkness terrified her and it seemed like the world would overwhelm her, she would forget about his love. And she would stumble in the darkness and fall. And her heart on her sleeve would get cut up and bleed. And she would cry because she didn't understand why the world was so very mean to her. Her perfect friends would hurt her feelings, her parents wouldn't understand, and all the time the girl would cry and blind herself with sad, sad tears that made her feel all alone.
But she was never alone. The Ultimate Light was always there, even in the darkness. But the little girl thought it was her responsibility to keep her light shining bright, and she would get mad at herself when she fell and her heart on her sleeve began to bleed. She thought she was doing something wrong because big girls aren't supposed to cry. She'd gather all the ugly sticks in her life and try to burn them on her own so that maybe she could make her light shine a little brighter. And it would work sometimes, but a lot of times it would only make her cry harder. Because the sticks would scratch her, and the fire would burn her. She couldn't try hard enough to make her light glow.
And then she would look around and see all the dark faces around her, the ones who needed her light so badly, the ones who expected to see her shine. And she was afraid they wouldn't love her as much if she didn't shine for them. Her heart on her sleeve would get harder when she thought about them not loving her; it would turn cold and start to wither. And then she would put on a plastic mask around her friends, because she thought that maybe they would like her better if they didn't know the real her. And all the while her heart would grow colder and her tears would freeze and cut her eyes so that she didn't even see the Truth at all anymore.
And then one day the Ultimate Light came to her and wrapped her in his light and melted away the ice around her heart and put his kisses on her scratches and ignited her little light again. He wiped away her tears and picked her up out of her little black pile of ashes, brushed her off and told her, "You are my little girl. I love you and I want you just the way you are. You don't have to be afraid of the dark. You just have to love me most." And he took the bleeding heart on her sleeve, slipped it off of her wrist and put his heart there instead. Then he patted her on the back and told her to keep going- that he'd be right behind her.
And the little girl beamed. And she wasn't afraid anymore. She danced on pretty feet back into the mean world and didn't even care when other people made fun of her. Her heart glowed again and her friends snmiled and saw the light in her eyes. And she remembered the whole time that the Ultimate Light was right behind her.
Until she forgot. Somewhere down the road between Trust Lane and Memories Avenue, she looked around and forget exactly where she was going. And that ugly monster called Fear snuck out of the darkness and began to frighten her again. And she looked behind her and she didn't see the Ultimate light anymore. Panic overwhelmed her and her eyes started to water as a lump came to her throat. Her lip quivered as she braced herself for the fall.
Then she felt a tap on her shoulder. She knew Who it was, but she was too scared to look. She thought the Ultimate Light would be mad that she had led herself back into scary places. So she didn't look. She bit her lip and told herself not to cry. She bit it so hard that it started to bleed, though, and she remembered how she'd bled before. Except this time she knew what bleeding felt like and she was comfortable with it. As long as she didn't have to face the Ultimate Light and tell him about it again, she thought she'd be okay. So she started to tiptoe away from the woods, but she stepped in a thorn bush and fell again, and cut her feet. She wanted to cry.
But she bit her lip even harder and tried not to cry and tried to do it on her own. She fought with the bush and tried to get back up, but the more she tried to do it on her own, the more it cut her up again and again. And so she stopped fighting, and her heart started breaking because the thorns hurt. They didn't feel at all like the kisses from the Ultimate Light. Her feet couldn't take her where she wanted to go because they were caught in the bush, but she didn't want to be stuck in the bush forever. She wanted to dance for the King. But, she told herself that surely the King didn't want broken, tangled up dancers. She wasn't good enough. One tear rolled down her cheek and dripped onto her sleeve. And when she looked she realized that it had fallen onto her heart.
The heart on her wrist that wasn't her heart. It was His heart. And it wasn't bleeding. It was glowing brighter than it ever had before. And it was beating, keeping her light from growing dim. And that's when she realized, she wasn't herself anymore. She was bought with a price. She was not her own. She was not just a girl, she already was a Dancer for the King. She could dance on broken feet. She could love with a broken heart. She could shine in a dark world.
Why?
She was a Child of the Light. She was made new.
"Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, 'Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.' Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." Ephesians 5:6-17
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