The words of Katie, a sister in Christ who lives and loves in Uganda, ring in my ears. "Around here, we live bent low." Pause and dwell on those words a moment. They speak in simple terms. They reveal a not so simple truth:
Around here, I do not live bent low.
But I want to! Oh, how God is revealing in my heart such a longing for a life lived in sacrifice to Him. Even as I write, convicted that I don't even have the slightest glimpse of what I'm asking for, don't even know the extent of the trials I am begging God to carry me through, I see my brothers and sisters who serve, who selflessly give up their hopes and dreams, their friends and family, their educations and their livelihoods, to live bent low. And I am jealous. I am zealous. I am set on fire with a passion that I don't know how to follow. "Lord, lead me!" my heart cries.
And I hear His voice in answer. "Listen."
And that's all.
That's it? You have got to be kidding me! God, I'm asking to go! Jesus said, sell all you have and give it to the poor; I'll do it. Christ said to let my dead take care of themselves, to walk away from worldly things; I will! He said to leave behind my father and mother, to not look back and only look to Him; I can do that! So why do I have to wait?
"Listen."
This isn't about me. This isn't about my time. It isn't about being the next best seller on the "Radical" or "Crazy Love" reading list. Sure, someday I want my story to be like the martyrs before me, but hopefully, as Christ said, even my right hand wont know what my left hand is doing. I want God to be the Author of my story and the sole reader of my script. I want an audience of one.
Which means it's time to listen. And to wait. And to learn- to rely on Him. To fall in love with the God I claim to know. To revel in the love letters He has sent to me, which I so diligently neglect. To refine my heart and pick out all the broken ugly pieces that don't look very much like Him. I have to defog the mirror, scrape off the crusty mildew, and look intently into the heart of Jesus.
I hope someday I see His face reflected back to me.
I hope I see a head bent low.
Two hands disfigured.
And a heart split open in love.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Captive to Christ
Alright, so I definitely fail at consistent blogging. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin. I got a job at Aeropostale, but I can hardly call it a job. I've worked once since they hired me and am not on the schedule to work again until next Tuesday. So basically my job, still, is to get a job.
As for outreach, let me just say that I think that I have grown so much more than ever before in the way I view and execute evangelism. God has taught me so much and planted in me a desire to sow His seeds more than ever before. There have been so many instances out on the boardwalk sharing with people that we meet, that I just feel the Spirit speaking through me. It truly is amazing how little it has to do with me- it all comes from God!
One thing last week that really floored me was just the power of prayer and the love that God showers on us if we simply ask Him to overflow in our hearts. For our community event last Saturday the group went over to Assateague for worship and s'mores on the beach. Sitting there surrounded by all of my brothers and sisters in Christ, I was just overwhelmed at the love and mercy God has shown me through these people. We're all humans, and living together you definitely get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly, but living in a Christ-centered manner, with a Christ-centered focus, on a Christ-centered trip really puts things in perspective. It makes living with 30 other people tolerable. More than that, it teaches you how to love like Christ, with joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. Sitting around the fire that night, I was overcome with a sense of unworthiness. I didn't deserve to be here. I didn't deserve these people's love and respect. I just felt unworthy and lost.
Let me rewind a little. Before coming on project, I felt very much that I was slipping into a "going through the motions" mindset. Don't get me wrong- I wanted to pursue Christ, and was trying to the best of my ability to do so in most ways. But it was stale, stagnant, self-centered pursuit. I didn't "feel" it, so to speak. The best way that I could phrase it when talking to my disciple leader, Jenna, was that I'd lost my passion. God, in my mind had become some demanding judge, an impartial joy-stealing cosmic ruler. Don't get me wrong, in many ways that kind of view of our heavenly King is humbling and necessary. We need a healthy fear of the Lord. The thing is: He is also a loving, personal, Father, and Groom. He cares about my heart and isn't here to steal my joy or my dreams. He's here to make them come true- namely through the pursuit of Himself.
Here's where the story picks back up. That night at Assateague I prayed that God would heal my aching heart, give me back the passion I had lost, and fill me with His joy. I prayed that He would fill my cup to overflowing. I prayed that He would drown me in His overwhelming joy. I didn't need my circumstance to change, and I didn't want a new life- just a new heart, a new joy, a new love for Him.
And that's what I got.
The next two days were legitimately the most joy-filled, spirit-filled, wonderful days I've had in a very long time. And the funny thing is: I got exactly what I prayed for: I still didn't have a job, people around me didn't change. The only thing that changed was me, my outlook, and my heart. God made me into a dreamer again- and that's something I haven't been in a very long time.
Praise be to God, who, when we allow our every thought to be taken captive by His love, fills us up more than we could ever withstand and pours us out into the thirsty hearts of a broken world so that He and He alone gets all the glory!
As for outreach, let me just say that I think that I have grown so much more than ever before in the way I view and execute evangelism. God has taught me so much and planted in me a desire to sow His seeds more than ever before. There have been so many instances out on the boardwalk sharing with people that we meet, that I just feel the Spirit speaking through me. It truly is amazing how little it has to do with me- it all comes from God!
One thing last week that really floored me was just the power of prayer and the love that God showers on us if we simply ask Him to overflow in our hearts. For our community event last Saturday the group went over to Assateague for worship and s'mores on the beach. Sitting there surrounded by all of my brothers and sisters in Christ, I was just overwhelmed at the love and mercy God has shown me through these people. We're all humans, and living together you definitely get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly, but living in a Christ-centered manner, with a Christ-centered focus, on a Christ-centered trip really puts things in perspective. It makes living with 30 other people tolerable. More than that, it teaches you how to love like Christ, with joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. Sitting around the fire that night, I was overcome with a sense of unworthiness. I didn't deserve to be here. I didn't deserve these people's love and respect. I just felt unworthy and lost.
Let me rewind a little. Before coming on project, I felt very much that I was slipping into a "going through the motions" mindset. Don't get me wrong- I wanted to pursue Christ, and was trying to the best of my ability to do so in most ways. But it was stale, stagnant, self-centered pursuit. I didn't "feel" it, so to speak. The best way that I could phrase it when talking to my disciple leader, Jenna, was that I'd lost my passion. God, in my mind had become some demanding judge, an impartial joy-stealing cosmic ruler. Don't get me wrong, in many ways that kind of view of our heavenly King is humbling and necessary. We need a healthy fear of the Lord. The thing is: He is also a loving, personal, Father, and Groom. He cares about my heart and isn't here to steal my joy or my dreams. He's here to make them come true- namely through the pursuit of Himself.
Here's where the story picks back up. That night at Assateague I prayed that God would heal my aching heart, give me back the passion I had lost, and fill me with His joy. I prayed that He would fill my cup to overflowing. I prayed that He would drown me in His overwhelming joy. I didn't need my circumstance to change, and I didn't want a new life- just a new heart, a new joy, a new love for Him.
And that's what I got.
The next two days were legitimately the most joy-filled, spirit-filled, wonderful days I've had in a very long time. And the funny thing is: I got exactly what I prayed for: I still didn't have a job, people around me didn't change. The only thing that changed was me, my outlook, and my heart. God made me into a dreamer again- and that's something I haven't been in a very long time.
Praise be to God, who, when we allow our every thought to be taken captive by His love, fills us up more than we could ever withstand and pours us out into the thirsty hearts of a broken world so that He and He alone gets all the glory!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Daddy, Can I Run?
Safely in Ocean City, I'm sitting here in the living room of our apartment of 3 Jacks (our team's apartment) after a long day of job hunting. With only one application in prospect and way too many rejections to count, it's easy to wonder why in the world I'm even trying. There are hundreds and hundreds of summer vacationers from all over the world here and I am just one face in a thousand trying to figure out where I fit in. I do a lot of questioning, why?
Why am I here? Why isn't God opening any doors?
And then there's the question of how in the world I'm supposed to live with 5 other roommates and 4 more suite mates for 10 weeks this summer in a barely air conditioned house, sleeping on a 3 inch thick mattress. It sounds like a lot of complaining, but I know this is exactly what I signed up for- I'm just praying God will give me the grace to glorify Him in all these circumstances. I'm not going to lie; it's rough. But God has brought together an awesome team of college kids that are already challenging me in my faith.
One girl, Caitlyn, kept telling me, "Don't worry, girl, God just hasn't opened the door because you haven't found the right one to knock on!" She would encourage me, keep me positive, and challenge me not to be afraid to walk up to any store and ask for an application. And let's face it- it's day one. Who in all honesty expects to be hired on the spot? It takes time.
At devotional time this morning the leader, Michael Frey, told us a story about his son. When he was younger, and even now as a 5 year old, he and his son would be walking down the street. Suddenly his son would look up at his dad and ask him, "Daddy, can I run?" Michael would say yes, and off his little son would go, running to the next cross section, not for any apparent reason, but because he wanted to. He'd ask his dad, "What's my time?" His dad would tell him and he'd smile and ask to do it again. Thinking as a runner, and reflecting back on my slow and laborious run this morning (done more out of habit than need for exercise), I was challenged to take on that kind of attitude. I want to run for Christ with that kind of passion, because I love the act of serving him, of following His command, and being more like him. The psalmist said, "I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." (Psalm 119:32) As I look for a job, and as I seek God's will for my life both here and in Ocean City, I pray that I keep that in mind. I want to be like Michael's son and say to my Father...
"Daddy, can I run?"
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